Anyway, friends came over, but no game. My wife saw my slight disappointment so the next day she offered to have a two-player match. She picked Malkavians again, because clearly she enjoys watching me suffer. Yes, I know there's an official two-player ruleset, but I didn't read it (will do, pinky promise!). My ruleset was simple: sit down, deal cards, and try not to embarrass myself. Spoiler: I failed the last part.
The game started rough. Malkavians flooded the table while my Ventrue were still doing aristocratic things like "waiting for proper introductions". Mary Anne was my first vampire, then Victor. I finally had a golden turn when all Malkavian minions were locked, so I unleashed my BBC (big brain combo): Kine Resources Contested (yes, I had to hurt myself too, but still worth it), Freak Drive, then Bleed with Conditioning. Seven pool damage in one round. For about two glorious minutes, I was untouchable. Prince of the Kitchen Table!
Naturally, my wife adapted. Suddenly her Malkavians were dripping in stealth. It felt like I was playing chess while she was speedrunning Metal Gear Solid. Every time I tried to block, she just grinned, tossed another stealth card, and slipped by like it was nothing. My first line of defense, the trusty Deflections were high-quality discard fodder in this game, since there was no third player to deflect the bleed to.
The final round was brutal. We were both at 4 pool. She sent Alexander to bleed me. I triumphantly played Second Tradition: Domain to untap Victor and grab +2 intercept. Victory was within reach. Then came The Smile. You know, the one that says "you're already dead". One stealth card. Then another. Then a third. By the time the dust settled, Alexander was halfway to my pool total and Conditioning sealed the deal. Zero left. Prince of Nothing.
And yet… it was glorious. I lost (again), but had a fantastic time.
Of course, being Ventrue, I immediately started analyzing the failure. Every defeat is just another tutorial, right? Lesson one: combat should be fine Majesty handles that. Lesson two: stealth kills me faster than my kids when they see the ice cream van. Ventrue don’t do subtle. Why sneak when you can just tell people you're important and hope they let you through? Maybe if I manage to get a few copies of Seduction (the "look how awesome I am, please don't block me" card)? Or maybe I just need to accept that my deck is basically aristocrats standing politely at the door, getting ignored.
In the meantime, I'll shift my gaze to my other favorite clan: the Tremere. Intercept? Combat? Sorcery? They've got tools aplenty. When I start tinkering with their deck, dear reader, you'll be the first to hear about it.
The game never ends, only pauses. I'll see you at the next move.
Custodian Hargrave
